Friday, January 30, 2004

President George W. Bush's List of "19 Dumb Things I Gotta Do", shown here in reverse order:

19. Worry about this part later. 18. Get Re-elected. 17. Make sure that more than half of the voters have bought it all. 16. In September or October, make some big positive news. This will make a few stubborn stragglers forget about the whole WMD thing. 15. Wait until the whole thing blows over. Most of the people will forget about the WMD thing after watching a few episodes of “Access Hollywood”. 14. Do not support an inquiry into CIA Intelligence, calling it redundant, since "I want to know the facts." 13. Make sure you get lots of media coverage of cheering Iraqis. After all, Saddam Hussein is a a brutal dictator known for his horrible human rights policies and ties to terrorist organizations. What could be so wrong with deposing him? 12. Move the American troops into Iraq. 11. Kill lots and lots and lots of Iraqis, including innocent women and children, but try to aim for the men. 10. Invade Iraq. The WMD thing sounds good. That’ll work. 9. Make Iraq look like they are a menacing evil. Sell fear to the American people by making them believe that Iraq has Weapons of Mass Destruction and intend to use them on us. 8. Find a new place for our troops before things get sticky with King Fahd. He’s not stupid you know. 7. Dodge Arab anger over having troops in Riyadh, which is considered an Islamic abomination. 6. Make sure you have a military presence in the Middle East … just in case. (How about right there in Riyadh?) 5. Keep our good ties with King Fahd—a brutal dictator known for his horrible human rights policies and ties to terrorist organizations—and his regime so they can regulate the price of oil in our favor. 4. Make sure you keep Americans happy by maintaining the economy. 3. Wait until the whole thing blows over, because Americans have such short attention spans. 2. Dodge the anger over the botched election 1. Get elected.

The Calvin Wars

On the way into work this morning, I discovered a new war. Yes there is the war against drugs, and the war against terrorism. But another war is being waged on American highways--the spoils of which are apparently the hearts and minds of American drivers everywhere. The war I'm referring to should be called "Calvin Wars". The soldiers are two different versions of Calvin, the cartoon character created by Bill Watterson. On the 18-wheeler to my right, Calvin was pissing on a visual representation of Osama Bin Laden. Behind the 18-wheeler, a Chevy Camaro sported an image of Calvin pissing on a Ford logo. Then, in the coup de grace, a minivan on my left showed Calvin kneeling before the cross of Jesus, apparently repenting for all the things he'd been pissing on. This isn't the first time that car bumpers became ground zero in an all-out war for philosophical supremacy. I remember metallic fish with the symbol for Christ, then the fish sprouted legs and said "Darwin". Then the shark of "TRUTH" ate the footed fish of "DARWIN". I think the Darwinists gave up at that point--ostensibly because the huge metallic fishing trawl of USEYOURBRAIN netting up the shark of TRUTH while it ate the footed fish of DARWIN became impractical. But I digress. Back to Calvin. Let's admit this point: the image of Calvin kneeling at the cross was the reaction of some Christian who was "offended" at the image of little Calvin pissing. The SUV-driving Christian thought, "That is so disgusting. That little boy should be kneeling at the -- hey! I have an idea!" No doubt this Christian entrepreneur believes the epiphany came from the Lord himself. I wonder if he even thought twice about the fact that it was "Calvin" kneeling at the cross. Is there some hidden message about the 16th century proponent of predestination, John Calvin? I somehow doubt it. But bumper sticker warfare isn't really meant for the well-read. Is it? Or am I being a snob? There is only one answer. Someone needs to create a bumper sticker where the shark of TRUTH eats little Calvin while he's kneeling at the cross of Jesus. Hey! I have an idea!

Sunday, January 25, 2004

So Lowng, Fraink Lloyd Wroit

I had a dream wherein I heard a punk rock version of the old Paul Simon song "So Long, Frank Lloyd Wright". I've been looking everywhere for evidence that this version exists. Did my subconscious mind make this up? If not, please let me know ...

Tuesday, January 20, 2004

Spurious George

To: President@whitehouse.gov Dear Mr. President, I am so excited about your "State of the Union" address tonight! I am even more excited about your recent interest in our fourth planet: MARS. I'm not sure if you get much time to read the news, but Mars is on the front pages all the time these days! I'm only guessing, though, since I only get my news from FOX. But anyway, it's a happy accident that you recently unveiled your brilliant plan to send a manned mission to mars, because right now--Mars is top of mind. Nice move! But I'm wondering ... maybe you are even more clever than I could have imagined, and maybe you decided to make this move because the Mars rover is so loved by the American public. I mean -- we love that intrepid little rover! Look for a full-length feature from Disney soon with a little Martian rover as the main character. Disney knows how to find a popular theme, and so do you, Mr. President! So since you are trying to ferret out the next "big thing" with the American people, I've decided to give you a few last-minute pointers for you to ponder for your speech tonight: The People's President's Pointers to Ponder: 1. Instead of Dick Cheney sitting behind you, set someone handsome behind you like Tom Selleck or Rob Lowe. You don't need to say a thing about it, but it will probably buy you some votes. Tom Selleck could probably use some publicity, too, so maybe there'll be a little kick in it for you! 2. Wear those pants that sit really low on your hips and have your boxers poking out over the top. I see that look *everywhere*! I don't really get it, but you probably do! Get the inner city vote! Be the true G-Man! 3. Don't mention anything about Iraq's uranium purchases from Africa. Furthermore, don't apologize for the fact that British Intelligence is an oxymoron!! (Not your fault on that one, Mr. President. Seriously.) Instead, mention that during your 3 months at the ranch in Texas, you spent a lot of time playing Final Fantasy X-2. This was the TOP selling video game in 2003--you'll get a lot of the 20-something vote with this! 4. Before you begin your speech, have Britney Spears sing the National Anthem. 5. Talk about your sadness over the recent announcement that "Friends" will be airing its final episode. 6. Mars! Mars! Mars! I think you should spend most of your time talking about Mars. There won't be any controversy there. Be sure to mention how cold and dangerous it is. You have allocated 750 million dollars to this project--that is more money than most Americans will see in their lifetime! Play it up! Kennedy didn't get us to the moon by sitting on his keester! 7. Wear a Pikachu tie. (Get more votes from children! Oh wait ... children don't vote.) 8. Wear a Homer Simpson tie. (Adults love this cartoon. Take my word on this one.) It'll probably look good with the low-slung-pants-look. 9. Mention off-handedly that Sen. John Kerry looks a teeny bit like Satan. (This is popular thinking in reverse, sir!) 10. If you *must* make a reference to finding WMDs (just use the acronym, it's softer than "Weapons of Mass Destruction"), then say something like "Finding WMDs in Iraq is a little like Finding Nemo!" This should get a laugh, if not some applause. Even a few democrats saw this movie! It was the top-grossing film of 2003 after all. We'll find those WMDs eventually, and happy endings are what America is all about! Good luck Mr. President. Your biggest fan, -Jim

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