Friday, January 30, 2004
President George W. Bush's List of "19 Dumb Things I Gotta Do", shown here in reverse order:19. Worry about this part later. 18. Get Re-elected. 17. Make sure that more than half of the voters have bought it all. 16. In September or October, make some big positive news. This will make a few stubborn stragglers forget about the whole WMD thing. 15. Wait until the whole thing blows over. Most of the people will forget about the WMD thing after watching a few episodes of “Access Hollywood”. 14. Do not support an inquiry into CIA Intelligence, calling it redundant, since "I want to know the facts." 13. Make sure you get lots of media coverage of cheering Iraqis. After all, Saddam Hussein is a a brutal dictator known for his horrible human rights policies and ties to terrorist organizations. What could be so wrong with deposing him? 12. Move the American troops into Iraq. 11. Kill lots and lots and lots of Iraqis, including innocent women and children, but try to aim for the men. 10. Invade Iraq. The WMD thing sounds good. That’ll work. 9. Make Iraq look like they are a menacing evil. Sell fear to the American people by making them believe that Iraq has Weapons of Mass Destruction and intend to use them on us. 8. Find a new place for our troops before things get sticky with King Fahd. He’s not stupid you know. 7. Dodge Arab anger over having troops in Riyadh, which is considered an Islamic abomination. 6. Make sure you have a military presence in the Middle East … just in case. (How about right there in Riyadh?) 5. Keep our good ties with King Fahd—a brutal dictator known for his horrible human rights policies and ties to terrorist organizations—and his regime so they can regulate the price of oil in our favor. 4. Make sure you keep Americans happy by maintaining the economy. 3. Wait until the whole thing blows over, because Americans have such short attention spans. 2. Dodge the anger over the botched election 1. Get elected.