Wednesday, August 24, 2005

What’s That You Say, Mister Robertson?

Yesterday’s fiasco with Pat Robertson has played out quite nicely and hilariously. First off, the White House responded correctly by denouncing the suggestion of an assassination attempt. Now Pat Robertson, the self-appointed Secretary of State, has accused the Associated Press of misinterpreting his statement. Apparently “take him out” does not me “kill him.” It could mean a lot of things. But then again, it was our self-appointed-and-obviously-unqualified Secretary of State Robertson who chose this ambiguous language. Lesson #1: If you want to be Secretary of State, don’t say “let’s take out so-and-so” when so-and-so is the leader of a country. People just assume you mean assassination (you moron). Lesson #2: Please let Condy Rice be our Secretary of State. She’s much better at it than you are (you moron). Lesson #3: All you fans of Pat Robertson, maybe you should watch Emeril’s cooking show instead of the 700 Club, eh?

Tuesday, August 23, 2005

Robertson Forgets to take his Pills Again

Clash of the titans? Pat Robertson, darling of the Christian Right-Wing, has planted a seed in the American zombie brain trust about Venezuelan President Hugo Chavez. Chavez spouted off a few weeks ago about how the US better not try to assassinate him. It was a preposterous statement unless you remember that we sort of helped along a little coup in his country in 2003. The coup failed. And since Chavez is not exactly simpatico with American capitalism and our Jesus-loving ways, he said some stupid shit that was either properly construed or misconstrued as his drawing a line in the jungle. Oh yeah, don't forget that Venezuela supplies the U.S. with 10% of our oil. I would be very surprised if, when certain key officials in Washington look at a map of Venezuela, they don’t dollar signs in their eyes. It’s a completely crazy idea, though, to launch another offensive against a third world country that happens to be oil-rich and happens to be spouting innocuous anti-US rhetoric. So what could be more lucky for them than to have that crazy-ass Pat Robertson plant the seed of the idea in the heads of Americans that Chavez is exporting militant Islamism. That's right folks, according to Pat Robertson, Venezuela is "a launching pad for Communist infiltration and Muslim extremism all over the continent." That sounds kinda similar to Hussein having Al Qaeda ties, or him having WMDs. Robertson has obviously been learning a few things from the Neo-Cons. He's learned that pre-war propoganda and "fighting words" are music to American ears. His political career might be on the rebound! Sigh. Anyone who hasn't read "Don't Think of An Elephant" should go out and read it right now.

Monday, August 22, 2005


Last Saturday night, on an impulse, I took Gayle and the kids to Marrakesh. No, not the city in Morocco—the Moroccan restaurant in Newport Beach. I worked as a waiter at the Marrakesh in Studio City when I was in college. The owner of this place, a refined gentleman named Ali, was there Saturday night. The guy has not aged a day in 20 years. It’s kinda scary. I could tell by the look in his eye that he could barely recognize me. I’m so much older, balder, fatter, and sexier now. Nevertheless, he took my word that I used to be one of his employees, and bought us a round of drinks. The food was absolutely delicious. As you can see, we had a great time.

Friday, August 19, 2005

File Under "Obvious"

The Senate is going to hold a special hearing to determine why the price of gas is rising. Next, our elected officials will hire experts to determine the square root of 4.

Monday, August 15, 2005

Homer Quote

Last night a new episode of "The Simpson's" aired on Fox. Context: Bart has been expelled from school. Quote: "Bart, you need to graduate, otherwise you'll end up having to go into the army. Then you'll be shipped off to our next military quagmire. Where will it be? North Korea? Iran? Who knows as long as Commander Koo-koo-Bananas is in charge!" :D

Friday, August 12, 2005

Thank you California

Someone in the Government has obviously been getting tips from my blog. Single-occupant cars can now use the diamond lane in California if they meet alternative fuel or hybrid qualifications. http://www.arb.ca.gov/msprog/carpool/carpool.htm Gayle and I are going to go trade in her Accord for a hybrid tomorrow.

Wednesday, August 10, 2005

Oh Joy

Because my resonant voice was apparently disturbing to some of my clients, I've been moved to a new desk (pictured here). As you can see, it's a slum. Passersby can look and see what I am doing, which means a distinctly lower rate of bloggage. Sorry. :( However, TMOTM will prevail. I have plans ....

Wednesday, August 03, 2005


On Monday, President Bush said that schools should teach intelligent design alongside evolution when teaching students about the creation of life. Bush went on to say, "I think that part of education is to expose people to different schools of thought. You're asking me whether or not people ought to be exposed to different ideas, the answer is yes." (Ed. How big of him. Try wearing a Kerry campaign button to one of his speeches.) Fox News defines the "Intelligent Design" theory as follows: "The theory of intelligent design says life on earth is too complex to have developed through evolution, implying that a higher power must have had a hand in creation." So now Bush is stumping for this "scientism" of Intelligent Design as a viable alternative to the fact of evolution. Here are my questions: 1. Why does the theory of evolution preclude the possibility of an intelligent designer? 2. Given the facts that: a) Almost none of the species today existed 500,000 years ago, and b) Almost none of the species that existed 500,000 years ago exist today c) All the new species are remarkably similar on a genetic level to a species that existed in the past. Is the intelligent designer creating new, slightly altered species all the time, while allowing his earlier creations to die off? Why is this intelligent? What would be his purpose for this? It doesn't really matter, because we will never know. And what we are left with is called ... e-vo-lu-tion. (Insert the sound of arrogant, condescending laughter.)

Monday, August 01, 2005

A Rare Restaurant Review

I don't fancy myself much of an expert in the culinary arts except for one category: Indian food. Having worked in a pretty good Indian food restaurant when I was in college, I acquired a great love for the cuisine, and have been frequenting Indian food restaurants everywhere I go ever since. One of the complaints I have about Southern California is the comparative lack of decent restaurants--especially Indian Food. I have found a few good ones in my day, like Akbar in Pasadena. But they are rare. Some of the Indian Restaurants I've been to are so bad that it's embarassing. But last Friday night I discovered one that is the best Indian Restaurant I've experienced in the Southland. It's called "Tamarind" and it's in, of all places, Chino Hills. Chino Hills is as culturally distinct as Billy Barty is tall. But nevertheless, this jewel is fixed on Billy's crown. For Indian Food afficianados, Tamarind is a mix of Northern and Southern Indian cuisine. The chef has taken a few non-traditional liberties, but every one was worth taking. The Garlic Naan is far more complex than what is typical, and it alone--along with the rice pudding (Kir)--is worth a trip alone. If you happen to find yourself trapped in the Inland Empire, go and eat at Tamarind. You will love it, or I'm not The Butcher.

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