Tuesday, January 20, 2004
Dear Mr. President,
I am so excited about your "State of the Union" address tonight! I am even more excited about your recent interest in our fourth planet: MARS.
I'm not sure if you get much time to read the news, but Mars is on the front pages all the time these days! I'm only guessing, though, since I only get my news from FOX. But anyway, it's a happy accident that you recently unveiled your brilliant plan to send a manned mission to mars, because right now--Mars is top of mind. Nice move!
But I'm wondering ... maybe you are even more clever than I could have imagined, and maybe you decided to make this move because the Mars rover is so loved by the American public. I mean -- we love that intrepid little rover! Look for a full-length feature from Disney soon with a little Martian rover as the main character. Disney knows how to find a popular theme, and so do you, Mr. President!
So since you are trying to ferret out the next "big thing" with the American people, I've decided to give you a few last-minute pointers for you to ponder for your speech tonight:
The People's President's Pointers to Ponder:
1. Instead of Dick Cheney sitting behind you, set someone handsome behind you like Tom Selleck or Rob Lowe. You don't need to say a thing about it, but it will probably buy you some votes. Tom Selleck could probably use some publicity, too, so maybe there'll be a little kick in it for you!
2. Wear those pants that sit really low on your hips and have your boxers poking out over the top. I see that look *everywhere*! I don't really get it, but you probably do! Get the inner city vote! Be the true G-Man!
3. Don't mention anything about Iraq's uranium purchases from Africa. Furthermore, don't apologize for the fact that British Intelligence is an oxymoron!! (Not your fault on that one, Mr. President. Seriously.) Instead, mention that during your 3 months at the ranch in Texas, you spent a lot of time playing Final Fantasy X-2. This was the TOP selling video game in 2003--you'll get a lot of the 20-something vote with this!
4. Before you begin your speech, have Britney Spears sing the National Anthem.
5. Talk about your sadness over the recent announcement that "Friends" will be airing its final episode.
6. Mars! Mars! Mars! I think you should spend most of your time talking about Mars. There won't be any controversy there. Be sure to mention how cold and dangerous it is. You have allocated 750 million dollars to this project--that is more money than most Americans will see in their lifetime! Play it up! Kennedy didn't get us to the moon by sitting on his keester!
7. Wear a Pikachu tie. (Get more votes from children! Oh wait ... children don't vote.)
8. Wear a Homer Simpson tie. (Adults love this cartoon. Take my word on this one.) It'll probably look good with the low-slung-pants-look.
9. Mention off-handedly that Sen. John Kerry looks a teeny bit like Satan. (This is popular thinking in reverse, sir!)
10. If you *must* make a reference to finding WMDs (just use the acronym, it's softer than "Weapons of Mass Destruction"), then say something like "Finding WMDs in Iraq is a little like Finding Nemo!" This should get a laugh, if not some applause. Even a few democrats saw this movie! It was the top-grossing film of 2003 after all. We'll find those WMDs eventually, and happy endings are what America is all about!
Good luck Mr. President.
Your biggest fan,