Friday, January 30, 2004

The Calvin Wars

On the way into work this morning, I discovered a new war. Yes there is the war against drugs, and the war against terrorism. But another war is being waged on American highways--the spoils of which are apparently the hearts and minds of American drivers everywhere. The war I'm referring to should be called "Calvin Wars". The soldiers are two different versions of Calvin, the cartoon character created by Bill Watterson. On the 18-wheeler to my right, Calvin was pissing on a visual representation of Osama Bin Laden. Behind the 18-wheeler, a Chevy Camaro sported an image of Calvin pissing on a Ford logo. Then, in the coup de grace, a minivan on my left showed Calvin kneeling before the cross of Jesus, apparently repenting for all the things he'd been pissing on. This isn't the first time that car bumpers became ground zero in an all-out war for philosophical supremacy. I remember metallic fish with the symbol for Christ, then the fish sprouted legs and said "Darwin". Then the shark of "TRUTH" ate the footed fish of "DARWIN". I think the Darwinists gave up at that point--ostensibly because the huge metallic fishing trawl of USEYOURBRAIN netting up the shark of TRUTH while it ate the footed fish of DARWIN became impractical. But I digress. Back to Calvin. Let's admit this point: the image of Calvin kneeling at the cross was the reaction of some Christian who was "offended" at the image of little Calvin pissing. The SUV-driving Christian thought, "That is so disgusting. That little boy should be kneeling at the -- hey! I have an idea!" No doubt this Christian entrepreneur believes the epiphany came from the Lord himself. I wonder if he even thought twice about the fact that it was "Calvin" kneeling at the cross. Is there some hidden message about the 16th century proponent of predestination, John Calvin? I somehow doubt it. But bumper sticker warfare isn't really meant for the well-read. Is it? Or am I being a snob? There is only one answer. Someone needs to create a bumper sticker where the shark of TRUTH eats little Calvin while he's kneeling at the cross of Jesus. Hey! I have an idea!


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