Friday, April 16, 2004

True to my word, I have awarded a guest post to one of the submitters of my curse contest last March. Dread won--mostly because he volunteered to win, reminding me of my promise. Is this corrupt? Yes. Am I Josef Stalin? No. However, Dread DID accuse me of being a threat to freedom-loving people everywhere were I to edit his post. Frankly I think his post might have benefitted from my YEARS AND YEARS of PROFESSIONAL experience as a WRITER AND EDITOR. But I would hate to be found guilty of censorship. So ... with tongue extruded and pointed in a Colorado-ly direction. Here is Dread's post, unedited, in its ... pure ... form. Any other volunteers to guest post shall be treated with this same preferential treatment. (... all in jest people. Don't get excited.) ___________________________________________________________

With this ring, I thee want to pork you.

As I lay on the couch Wednesday night, flipping channels between two NHL playoff games, the planets aligned and both games entered intermission simultaneously. Hmm. My laundry had been folded, dishes washed, hunger quenched and blogs posted to. Not being the type of person to spend much time on broadcast network channels (save syndicated Friends episodes on FOX), I turned to ABC to see what was on. THE BACHELOR is still on? Again? Now, this was intriguing (for a moment) when I first discovered it, much like touching a hot stove burner and realizing, hey, THAT was unpleasant. What an odd dating ritual this is, or dare I say, phenomenon? Tweny-five gals (or guys, in the case of The Bachelorette), readily sacrificing any privacy they may have prized prior to their 15+ minutes of exposure to the World, waiting to be eliminated. It made me think about reality television in general. Isn't the point of each and every reality show to see who will be eliminated? Of course they're all competitive, and in competition there is a winner and there is a loser. In the case of The Bachelor, isn't it bad enough te be rejected in person, let alone in front of millions of people? What would possess someone to look for 'the one' in such a forum? I guess if you think about it, the bar scene is a lot like The Bachelor/ette, except you are competing against a larger and more varied pool of people. What gets me is that America is not sick of this fad yet. Ten guys or gals eliminated on the first night. The host makes the *same statement* before the roses are handed out, and the prince or princess makes the *same* statement before tossing flowers out to the hottest of the hot before getting to know *any* of them for real. A more refined example of exactly how shallow these folks are is 'Average Joe.' Now, this is more of a social experiment than any of its predecessors, where a certain number of guys with average jobs, leading average lives, with average looks vie for the right to date a beautiful woman, who must choose between them (or possibly none of them). Halfway through the show, a few model-type guys are injected into the dating bloodstream and all of the sudden (doomsday fanfare) EVERYTHING IS ABOUT TO...CHANGE!' Youbetchya. As we all expect, it boils down to the Average Joe which the beauty queen has deemed the most handsome amongst his peers, and one of the oily beau hunks. That's right, substance doesn't seem to matter, just the topping on the donut. Ever get one of those, where you buy a Maple Bar or a Chocolate Bar, bite into it expecting custard in the middle, and you get...dough. Awww, man. Bummer. So to conclude the first Average Joe, the babe chooses the model over Adam, who had won over the hearts of America with his shy, perma-smiling demeanor...but wait. 'EVERYTHING IS ABOUT TO...CHANGE!' Average Joe - Adam Returns. That's right! Women from all over the nation wrote in, wanting to date this loveable Charlie Brown. Off we go. Now, all of these women were out of my league (don't take much) - beautiful, but average? Sparing you the horrid details, the same sceanrio played out, where bikini models, in this case, were introduced to the dating stew. My question is, why didn't they write in like the rest of the girls, some of which may have had a genuine interest in Adam? If they're just there to spice the stew, Adam's stock just declined. What a bonehead. Again, it boiled down to a choice for our hero (ahem) - the bikini babe or the Average Josie. The shallow end just drained - ultimate shallowness. Shallowosity. Shallow-abara. Adam - The Shallinator. He did what Malena did to him. Is it something chemical? Did the network dictate who Adam chose to perpetuate the series? I'm not about to consult Mulder and Scully on that one, but I was left shaking my head, even though I suspected he'd choose the most inappropriate girl for him. I certainly hope my kids don't grow up thinking this is how dating is done. It should be on a porch swing, holding hands, sipping lemonade, she wearing a poodle skirt, he, donning a letterman sweater. Yes, there are lots of "swell's", "heck's" and "golly gee's." I am of course kidding. But people, am I right about the television dating thing? You don't want to get me started on 5th Wheel, Blind Date or Elimidate. Good Lord - bottom of the barrel in the gene pool there. All references to the television shows mentioned were viewed for purely scientifical and researchifying purposes.


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